People sometimes think I'm clueless, or imperceptive or maybe both, but here's the thing. I see you. I see you people who I have fought beside, spoken up for, liked, retweeted, and uplifted. I see you not returning the favor and it is exceptionally disappointing. I joke all of the time that I fight all of the things, and it is not far off.
The fighting ebbs and flows, because being outraged about everything all of the time is exhausting. This means that maybe I fight hard for one thing, or fight a little bit for a lot of things, and that keeps changing for me. I have never been as judged for what I am fighting for as I am right now. And I think that speaks volumes, not about me, but about you.
I don't believe that people should be oppressed. Period. And so when I see it I speak about it. I have been to rallies, signed petitions, engaged in boycotts and written useless letters to politicians on a range of issues including the rights of the poor, rights for lgbtq folks, rights for those with mental illness, women's rights, and victim's rights. Hell I've even thrown my hat in the ring for the environment and for animals. I belong to a religion that preaches the "inherent worth and dignity of every person", and I take that one seriously. I believe that everyone deserves basic human rights no matter what, ALWAYS.
Now I am engaged in an urgent fight. It is a fight for life and death. I always thought that I was anti-racism, but because of my white privilege, I never fully understood what that meant. And I still don't totally get it. I mess it up all of the time. But I am trying, and that is more than I can say for some of you fellow people who care about things.
My life has gone oddly silent in many circles since August 10th, when I first became aware of the tear-gassing of human beings on our own soil. I had no idea what was going on, and so I became hungry for the truth. And it is an ugly one. It is nauseating, rage-inducing, and absolutely unbelievable. That's the part people seem to get, but for different reasons. That it is unbelievable, because most of you don't believe it.
I'm a psychologist right, so human behavior fascinates me. And I am ashamed that I believed some of you to be genuine in your concern for human rights. Because if your fight stops when it comes to crying out for the rights of Black People, then please continue to pretend not to know me. I still remember my first timeline update on facebook when I tried to get people on board with my outrage at the maltreatment, murder, and terrorism of black people. And mostly what I got was silence. When it was not silence, it was covertly racist. But I see you.
I get asked why. Why do I care about this so much when it does not affect me? Seriously, do you hear yourselves? None of the above fights affect me other than the fact that I am a woman with mental illness. Otherwise, I have just fought because I cared about you and your cause, or because I just believe that oppression totally sucks.
A few of you are starting to talk to me again, but only because you perceive me to be more rational about this "whole messy issue". Nope, I am far from rational about it. It is just that I have found the appropriate people or groups of people to discuss these matters with. If I have not convinced you by now that institutional racism is a REAL, ACTUAL, THING, then it is never going to happen. I have to move my energy to people who feed me, to people who know how fucking hard this fighting thing is and to people who are not fair weather friends around activism. Make no mistake, I am still going to fight all oppression, I am just not going to fight alongside you any more. I have seen you at your worst, and it is disappointing.
Mandala
Monday, March 2, 2015
Monday, December 15, 2014
A Plea to My People
And of course, in case you did not know, my people are white people. So I am begging you to please read this and cease and desist. We are in a time of great threat to our comfortable way of being. And it is OKAY. We are all going to survive this. We can discuss race, and do it not just among ourselves, but we can do it with that one Black friend we have...(we do all have one right, I mean we always say that to prove that we are good people). It is going to suck for us. It is going to make us sad and angry and if we do it right, we will allow it to take the focus off of us and place the focus where it needs to be right now. A focus on people of color, and we can make it through. Think about it really hard. Sometimes the best things happen when we are uncomfortable, sad or angry. If you have ever taken the time to listen to your one Black friend, you may know that they spend most of the waking moments around us feeling sad or angry or uncomfortable. Because every time that they try to tell us how it feels to live in a world where their lives are not valued, where they are constantly feared, and where they cannot talk about it because it makes white people have feels is rough.
See, I don't think that most of us truly understand what a world based on white supremacy is like for a person who is not white. That is the root of white privilege. We don't think it sucks, because it does not suck for us. White Supremacy you may gasp? But I don't wear a sheet or shave my head. You don't have to. We are all part of that whether we think we are or not. White supremacy happens every single time we open our mouths when our Black friends talk of the pain that they experience on a daily basis, and we justify, or dismiss, or try to silence their concerns. How many times would you try to have that conversation with someone before it became too painful to try anymore? Perhaps people of color who we know just smile and let us think what we want because they are tired of getting psychically kicked in the teeth by people who they thought were really friends.
So to my people, please just stop saying "ALL LIVES MATTER" every time you hear the phrase "BLACK LIVES MATTER". It is not about you. It is about a time in history when Black people are mourning, are raging, and are putting their foot down about dealing with our stupid hurt feelings. They are trying to muscle through our ignorance and create space where they can express these feelings in a powerful way. And it is going to happen with or without us. Stop being that guy. When we have breast cancer awareness month, we all wear pink and get mammograms and donate to the Komen foundation. We don't say, well what about lung cancer or pancreatic cancer. "ALL LUNGS MATTER!"
So really give it some thought, why can we not allow this movement to unfold the way that people of color want it to. Why do we have to jump in with our hurt feelings and say "all lives matter"? Oh yeah, white supremacy. We are not used to not being the center of attention, so when something like this threatens us, we tremble. And we try to derail. And most of the time we don't even mean anything by it, but if you listen to people of color, those actions are more emotionally painful than a burning cross. Because if a person of color is in your life, if they trust you enough to share with you and then you betray that trust by responding (in a well intentioned way of course) by making it more about you and less about them, it's a really powerful betrayal. Some random guy in a sheet burning a cross is easily dismissed, your best friend saying oh, you know I don't see color is like a punch in the gut.
I only know these things because I have taken some time to really listen to people of color, to read what they are writing, and to hear and to try to empathize with them. This often means that I stand by when I see this happen over and over to them, and shake my head at the thick-headedness of my people. It makes me feel sadness that I cannot explain. I have not blogged much about this topic because I have felt like everyone is saying things about it more eloquently than I as they are speaking from personal experience. But I have enough people I am dealing with on a day to day basis who cannot STFU about this, and I wanted to write something so I do not have to keep rewriting the same response on Facebook.
I KNOW that you are not bad people. You just sound like you are right now. And I know that you can do better. We can do better. You are tired of talking about race? Too bad. If we do not start honestly, openly, rawly talking about this, we will NEVER be done talking about it. We will settle back into thinking we've taken care of the problem because no one is talking about it anymore. But that is not going to make it go away. And, in case you have not been paying attention...this is way bigger than you now. It is not going to go away. Do you want to be on the right or wrong side of history. You know the answer. Do the right thing.<----Spike Lee
Suggestions for future action
Take a minute to ask your one Black friend how they really feel. Humble yourself. Admit that you are an ignorant idiot, and that while maybe you did not listen before, you really do want to understand now. Then keep your mouth shut.
Take a minute to find a blog or an article or a broadcast by a person of color. Listen to what they feel like when we say the ignorant (innocent?) things that we say. Learn the offensive, innocuous phrases, and stop saying them.
Take a minute to be uncomfortable. Don't like the term white supremacy or white privilege? Good, learn about them anyway. Sit with the discomfort. Marinate in it. Meditate on it. You'll be better for it. Believe me.
See, I don't think that most of us truly understand what a world based on white supremacy is like for a person who is not white. That is the root of white privilege. We don't think it sucks, because it does not suck for us. White Supremacy you may gasp? But I don't wear a sheet or shave my head. You don't have to. We are all part of that whether we think we are or not. White supremacy happens every single time we open our mouths when our Black friends talk of the pain that they experience on a daily basis, and we justify, or dismiss, or try to silence their concerns. How many times would you try to have that conversation with someone before it became too painful to try anymore? Perhaps people of color who we know just smile and let us think what we want because they are tired of getting psychically kicked in the teeth by people who they thought were really friends.
So to my people, please just stop saying "ALL LIVES MATTER" every time you hear the phrase "BLACK LIVES MATTER". It is not about you. It is about a time in history when Black people are mourning, are raging, and are putting their foot down about dealing with our stupid hurt feelings. They are trying to muscle through our ignorance and create space where they can express these feelings in a powerful way. And it is going to happen with or without us. Stop being that guy. When we have breast cancer awareness month, we all wear pink and get mammograms and donate to the Komen foundation. We don't say, well what about lung cancer or pancreatic cancer. "ALL LUNGS MATTER!"
So really give it some thought, why can we not allow this movement to unfold the way that people of color want it to. Why do we have to jump in with our hurt feelings and say "all lives matter"? Oh yeah, white supremacy. We are not used to not being the center of attention, so when something like this threatens us, we tremble. And we try to derail. And most of the time we don't even mean anything by it, but if you listen to people of color, those actions are more emotionally painful than a burning cross. Because if a person of color is in your life, if they trust you enough to share with you and then you betray that trust by responding (in a well intentioned way of course) by making it more about you and less about them, it's a really powerful betrayal. Some random guy in a sheet burning a cross is easily dismissed, your best friend saying oh, you know I don't see color is like a punch in the gut.
I only know these things because I have taken some time to really listen to people of color, to read what they are writing, and to hear and to try to empathize with them. This often means that I stand by when I see this happen over and over to them, and shake my head at the thick-headedness of my people. It makes me feel sadness that I cannot explain. I have not blogged much about this topic because I have felt like everyone is saying things about it more eloquently than I as they are speaking from personal experience. But I have enough people I am dealing with on a day to day basis who cannot STFU about this, and I wanted to write something so I do not have to keep rewriting the same response on Facebook.
I KNOW that you are not bad people. You just sound like you are right now. And I know that you can do better. We can do better. You are tired of talking about race? Too bad. If we do not start honestly, openly, rawly talking about this, we will NEVER be done talking about it. We will settle back into thinking we've taken care of the problem because no one is talking about it anymore. But that is not going to make it go away. And, in case you have not been paying attention...this is way bigger than you now. It is not going to go away. Do you want to be on the right or wrong side of history. You know the answer. Do the right thing.<----Spike Lee
Suggestions for future action
Take a minute to ask your one Black friend how they really feel. Humble yourself. Admit that you are an ignorant idiot, and that while maybe you did not listen before, you really do want to understand now. Then keep your mouth shut.
Take a minute to find a blog or an article or a broadcast by a person of color. Listen to what they feel like when we say the ignorant (innocent?) things that we say. Learn the offensive, innocuous phrases, and stop saying them.
Take a minute to be uncomfortable. Don't like the term white supremacy or white privilege? Good, learn about them anyway. Sit with the discomfort. Marinate in it. Meditate on it. You'll be better for it. Believe me.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
as seen on twitter. I finally figured out what embed tweets means.
#BlackLivesMatter protest in Seattle #ICantBreathe #policestate pic.twitter.com/Yz9Y19vjZ2
— Matt Remle (@wakiyan7) December 7, 2014"@LeBOSSNae_: Wow. “@occupythemob: The whole world is watching. #ICantBreathe pic.twitter.com/xA1KJjLqTz”"SALUTE💯
— The Real KB (@IM_KMFB) December 7, 2014Looks like a military operation happening in #berkeley now.
#EricGarner #ICantBreathe #BlackLivesMatter pic.twitter.com/z9lBWyPz7L
— Bipartisan Report (@Bipartisanism) December 7, 2014You know where they declare unlawful assembly? The hunger games. We live a terrible dystopian fiction #ICantBreathe pic.twitter.com/GA4LWqGEdl
— Steve Marmel (@Marmel) December 7, 2014Thursday, October 2, 2014
Justice for John Crawford? Not so much.
I posted this on facebook, and people were wanting to share it, so I am putting it here to make it easier for folks to share. I read an article, which I will link below about the latest news related to the case, and it pissed me off. So I laid out some simple facts to share with those you know who don't know. Pass it on if it feels right.
Undisputed facts:
1. John Crawford was shot and killed in Wal-mart in Ohio by police.
2. He was carrying a bb gun
3. The bb gun is sold in wal-mart store and was already out of box lying on shelf. Crawford did not remove from box, just picked it up.
4. Other people on surveillance cameras are seen picking up and holding same gun.
5. Someone called in to 911 reporting Crawford was pointing gun at people. Surveillance does not support this, and 911 caller later admitted he had lied.
6. Ohio is an open carry state. Meaning that people are allowed to carry real guns whenever they choose.
7. Manager of Wal-mart admits that customers can carry unboxed bb guns to the check-out to pay.
8, Crawford was walking around talking to girlfriend on cell phone.
9. The police came into the store with guns fully drawn.
1. John Crawford was shot and killed in Wal-mart in Ohio by police.
2. He was carrying a bb gun
3. The bb gun is sold in wal-mart store and was already out of box lying on shelf. Crawford did not remove from box, just picked it up.
4. Other people on surveillance cameras are seen picking up and holding same gun.
5. Someone called in to 911 reporting Crawford was pointing gun at people. Surveillance does not support this, and 911 caller later admitted he had lied.
6. Ohio is an open carry state. Meaning that people are allowed to carry real guns whenever they choose.
7. Manager of Wal-mart admits that customers can carry unboxed bb guns to the check-out to pay.
8, Crawford was walking around talking to girlfriend on cell phone.
9. The police came into the store with guns fully drawn.
Not so clear
1. Witnesses report that Crawford had 2 to 10 seconds between officer yelling down, and being shot. His back was turned and he was on phone and probably did not know they were talking to him because...see #2 and #3.
2. One police officer is being reported as having admitted that he did not give a warning before shooting.
1. Witnesses report that Crawford had 2 to 10 seconds between officer yelling down, and being shot. His back was turned and he was on phone and probably did not know they were talking to him because...see #2 and #3.
2. One police officer is being reported as having admitted that he did not give a warning before shooting.
Undisputed facts:
1. The grand jury heard the evidence of the case and decided against an indictment.
2. I will not stop talking about these cases, researching and reading these cases, because something has to change.
1. The grand jury heard the evidence of the case and decided against an indictment.
2. I will not stop talking about these cases, researching and reading these cases, because something has to change.
This is the first article that got me riled. http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2014/oct/02/witnesses-contradict-police-warnings-witnesses-walmart-shooting-ohio
Then I looked for a story written soon after the grand jury decided no indictment was warranted.
And this link just has a bit more in depth information if you are interested.
http://www.salon.com/2014/10/01/gun_nuts_tragic_confusion_why_open_carry_groups_misunderstand_police_brutality/
We need to educate ourselves about the cases of young men being killed time after time for little to no reason. If we do not do it, no one will.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Wow, You Seem So Normal. Acceptability and Mental Illness?
I was told the other day in I am sure what was meant to be a compliment "But you seem so normal". Huh. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that statement. I guess I am supposed to be glad that I mask my symptoms well enough that I do not make people in my social circles feel uncomfortable. Quite frankly, I have never been "normal", do not even know what that means, and hope that normalcy never becomes a part of my life.
The implication is that I can be accepted in circles of middle and upper class, able, educated folks because I appear to the naked eye to fit all of those molds. I am middle class, I am well educated, and I am physically able. However, when I reveal to you that I have a mental illness because I talk about it openly for just this reason, there is no need for you to give me your approval of how that makes you feel. I get to be that person you know who is "one of them", but not really. And I am starting to wonder how I feel about that.
I wonder if all of these wonderfully accepting people in my life would have been so accepting and supportive 5.5 years ago when I was at my absolute lowest point in my life. I know the answer to that, because I had a large circle at that time, and when I got sick, people got absent. Not everyone surely, but a TON of people. At a time in my life when I was struggling to survive, when I was in the hospital, when I was isolating myself to my basement so that people would not have to deal with me, I was largely alone. Some of those people have trickled back into my life here and there, but it has never been the same.
So saying something like "you seem so normal" sounds like conditional love to me. As in, as long as you continue to be the girl standing in front of me, we're good, otherwise we may have an issue. It really is fine, I understand the dynamic. I get that you are not sure what to do with the mental health anomaly of a person who is not visibly symptomatic all of the time. So many of the thoughts of the mentally ill come from movie and television portrayals. People in psychiatric hospitals with a distant over-medicated look in their eyes, people violently acting out, mumbling to ourselves, twitching and on and on.
Guess what? Making you feel comfortable is exhausting work.
People who are really close to me know that it can sometimes be exhausting to be around me. When I am hypomanic, my thoughts are on an endless loop, my speech is rushed, I do not sleep for days, I cry easily, I make impulsive decisions. And I hate all of it. I do not know how to adequately explain that I know when I am not well, when my symptoms are getting out of control, when I am in danger of heading back to the hospital. I do not know what the experience is for other folks with mental illness, but for me, I am always aware and always monitoring. There are some more serious mental illnesses when control is not as possible.
I am in a much better place mentally than I was when I was first diagnosed and hospitalized. But for five months or so, until I got the proper diagnosis and medications, I was not okay. And I am not pointing fingers. Even my closest friends and family said and did things that were hurtful and because I love them, I have forgiven. But that is why it is crucial to me that I speak about my experience. Because the more I can talk about it, be real about it, and call out the misunderstanding I face in light of it on a regular basis, perhaps I am chipping away at the stigma and discrimination that we all face as a result of a health issue that we cannot control.
It is common for people who first hear of my diagnosis to diminish it with things like "we all have ups and downs", "who doesn't get worried or stressed some of the time", or my favorite, "sometimes I wonder how much of mental illness is even real". Live in my brain for a week, and I assure you that it is very real.
I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder for a much longer time, and that was even more "acceptable'. Who cannot relate to having some anxiety now and again. So when I spoke of having an anxiety disorder, it was at a time when everyone was in therapy for something and it was almost fashionable to be on anti-anxiety medication. When I tell people now that I have Bipolar Disorder, I get a much different reaction. And it kind of breaks my heart.
Here's what it has meant for me lately. My husband's health insurance changed this year, and my mental health coverage changed dramatically. I had finally after two years or so of trying every combination out there, tweaking and changing, I was on a medication regime that was largely unchanged for a long period of time. And it was the most stable I have been since being diagnosed. But this year, those medications were going to cost me out of pocket approximately $2000 a month. Impossible. So I went to my psychiatrist, who I also pay for out of pocket now because my insurance is so bad that no reputable doctor participates in the plan, and asked her to help me to find something that would work and would be less expensive. She is wonderful and understanding, and we have been working diligently on a new combination with older meds that are on the formulary that my insurance company deems acceptable. And I am still paying close to $400 a month to take those, and they are much less effective.
I had to stop taking Cymbalta, which we discovered this summer has apparently been treating symptoms of fibromyalgia that we did not know that I had. So on top of fighting with my brain, I am now fighting with my body. I am currently trying not to let self-pity and despair overcome me. I am trying to take other self-care measures to make sure that what the medication is not treating I can control on my own. But it is not going all that well. As a result, I am beginning to feel some of the discomfort from others that I am all too used to.
In my world, the most important priority in my life is my husband and my son. So I put every energy into making myself healthy enough to handle those responsibilities. But I am having to make some decisions on what to back off on. And that is hard for folks to understand. I am trying really hard not to go into isolation mode, because that is a really unhealthy choice for me as well. Staying busy is one of my best coping mechanisms.
I share this with you today, because I need you to understand that no matter how badly I am struggling right now, I still consider myself exceptionally lucky. And that is truly a sad commentary. I will remind us all again of the multitudes of people who have to choose between life saving medication and feeding their children or paying the rent/mortgage. I will remind us of the huge numbers of people who are losing their lives to suicide because they are not being treated adequately. I will remind us that no matter how we present to you, or how acceptable our behavior is or is not, we still need lots of support.
I sometimes wish that I had had someone take a photo of me during one of my hospitalizations when like everyone else on the unit, I was dressed in pajamas and a robe, slippers, and not allowed to use a pen or shower without supervision. Because when things are the worst for me, I am indistinguishable from so many others who are not quite as acceptable to society.
The implication is that I can be accepted in circles of middle and upper class, able, educated folks because I appear to the naked eye to fit all of those molds. I am middle class, I am well educated, and I am physically able. However, when I reveal to you that I have a mental illness because I talk about it openly for just this reason, there is no need for you to give me your approval of how that makes you feel. I get to be that person you know who is "one of them", but not really. And I am starting to wonder how I feel about that.
I wonder if all of these wonderfully accepting people in my life would have been so accepting and supportive 5.5 years ago when I was at my absolute lowest point in my life. I know the answer to that, because I had a large circle at that time, and when I got sick, people got absent. Not everyone surely, but a TON of people. At a time in my life when I was struggling to survive, when I was in the hospital, when I was isolating myself to my basement so that people would not have to deal with me, I was largely alone. Some of those people have trickled back into my life here and there, but it has never been the same.
So saying something like "you seem so normal" sounds like conditional love to me. As in, as long as you continue to be the girl standing in front of me, we're good, otherwise we may have an issue. It really is fine, I understand the dynamic. I get that you are not sure what to do with the mental health anomaly of a person who is not visibly symptomatic all of the time. So many of the thoughts of the mentally ill come from movie and television portrayals. People in psychiatric hospitals with a distant over-medicated look in their eyes, people violently acting out, mumbling to ourselves, twitching and on and on.
Guess what? Making you feel comfortable is exhausting work.
People who are really close to me know that it can sometimes be exhausting to be around me. When I am hypomanic, my thoughts are on an endless loop, my speech is rushed, I do not sleep for days, I cry easily, I make impulsive decisions. And I hate all of it. I do not know how to adequately explain that I know when I am not well, when my symptoms are getting out of control, when I am in danger of heading back to the hospital. I do not know what the experience is for other folks with mental illness, but for me, I am always aware and always monitoring. There are some more serious mental illnesses when control is not as possible.
I am in a much better place mentally than I was when I was first diagnosed and hospitalized. But for five months or so, until I got the proper diagnosis and medications, I was not okay. And I am not pointing fingers. Even my closest friends and family said and did things that were hurtful and because I love them, I have forgiven. But that is why it is crucial to me that I speak about my experience. Because the more I can talk about it, be real about it, and call out the misunderstanding I face in light of it on a regular basis, perhaps I am chipping away at the stigma and discrimination that we all face as a result of a health issue that we cannot control.
It is common for people who first hear of my diagnosis to diminish it with things like "we all have ups and downs", "who doesn't get worried or stressed some of the time", or my favorite, "sometimes I wonder how much of mental illness is even real". Live in my brain for a week, and I assure you that it is very real.
I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder for a much longer time, and that was even more "acceptable'. Who cannot relate to having some anxiety now and again. So when I spoke of having an anxiety disorder, it was at a time when everyone was in therapy for something and it was almost fashionable to be on anti-anxiety medication. When I tell people now that I have Bipolar Disorder, I get a much different reaction. And it kind of breaks my heart.
Here's what it has meant for me lately. My husband's health insurance changed this year, and my mental health coverage changed dramatically. I had finally after two years or so of trying every combination out there, tweaking and changing, I was on a medication regime that was largely unchanged for a long period of time. And it was the most stable I have been since being diagnosed. But this year, those medications were going to cost me out of pocket approximately $2000 a month. Impossible. So I went to my psychiatrist, who I also pay for out of pocket now because my insurance is so bad that no reputable doctor participates in the plan, and asked her to help me to find something that would work and would be less expensive. She is wonderful and understanding, and we have been working diligently on a new combination with older meds that are on the formulary that my insurance company deems acceptable. And I am still paying close to $400 a month to take those, and they are much less effective.
I had to stop taking Cymbalta, which we discovered this summer has apparently been treating symptoms of fibromyalgia that we did not know that I had. So on top of fighting with my brain, I am now fighting with my body. I am currently trying not to let self-pity and despair overcome me. I am trying to take other self-care measures to make sure that what the medication is not treating I can control on my own. But it is not going all that well. As a result, I am beginning to feel some of the discomfort from others that I am all too used to.
In my world, the most important priority in my life is my husband and my son. So I put every energy into making myself healthy enough to handle those responsibilities. But I am having to make some decisions on what to back off on. And that is hard for folks to understand. I am trying really hard not to go into isolation mode, because that is a really unhealthy choice for me as well. Staying busy is one of my best coping mechanisms.
I share this with you today, because I need you to understand that no matter how badly I am struggling right now, I still consider myself exceptionally lucky. And that is truly a sad commentary. I will remind us all again of the multitudes of people who have to choose between life saving medication and feeding their children or paying the rent/mortgage. I will remind us of the huge numbers of people who are losing their lives to suicide because they are not being treated adequately. I will remind us that no matter how we present to you, or how acceptable our behavior is or is not, we still need lots of support.
I sometimes wish that I had had someone take a photo of me during one of my hospitalizations when like everyone else on the unit, I was dressed in pajamas and a robe, slippers, and not allowed to use a pen or shower without supervision. Because when things are the worst for me, I am indistinguishable from so many others who are not quite as acceptable to society.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Littles are Going to Change the World...But We Have to Help Them
I just heard something delightful in my living room. My little was building a Lego creation to send to a friend who had just sent him a delightful surprise in the mail. His love language is primarily Lego at this point. And while he was building, he was explaining to me what he was doing. "I am making two ships because one of Amelia's mamas loves Legos too". He has a running commentary about a lot of things, and I am guilty of tuning some of it out at times. But given all that is going on in the world around me right now, I found this simple nonchalant declaration a sign of what can be.
Here is why. At the age of seven, little genuinely does not define people by lifestyle choice, skin color, economic standing, manner of dress, food preference, religion or whatever other thing that we, much less enlightened adults, tend to use to "other". I cannot begin to explain to you how much this amazes me. I am in wonder of him a lot of the time. I could take all of the credit I suppose, what a fine child I am raising and all of that. But it goes beyond that. He is by nature kind and tender, and while I nurture and guide that when I can, I certainly did not make him that way. It is his personality. I am amazed because my family has people in our lives who are diverse and colorful and outspoken and accepting. They love my son and he loves them back. And he does not question any of these differences at this point in his life, because thus far, he has not encountered anyone who has taught him otherwise.
We are your average "All-American" family. Mama, Daddy, too many pets, homeowners in a quiet neighborhood, middle class (whatever that means anymore), and white. But the spouse and I got married in our late 20's and had little in our early 30's and between the two of us brought to this family a number of awesome folks. So by the time little has been old enough to be aware of the folks around him, he has seen some diversity. Surely, never enough, but enough that seeing someone different from him does not feel all that different to him.
He considers all who cross his path to be his friend, no matter their age (which this mama monitors closely, because well, you know) and even age does not seem to be a barrier in his mind. So seeing other littles with same sex parents, or single parents or parents who look like his is cool. He still points someone out of the crowd based on the color of their shirt and not on the color of their skin. Our neighbors down the street, a gay white couple with two adopted Black sons is a non-issue for him, or he keeps a whole lot of questions and comments to himself. Our friend who identifies as gender fluid did confuse him a bit not too long ago, but not for any other reason than that little had never seen him with make-up on. So when he saw a photo on facebook and asked "who is that", he did show some surprise by my answer. However, not because he is of the opinion that "boys" cannot wear make-up, but because he could not believe it was the same person. So he shrugged, said "he looks different" and moved along with his day.
Little eats the world. As long as you have some understanding of the world of Star Wars, an appreciation for Legos, or a willingness to let him explain those things to you, than he accepts you as you present yourself. He tells me quickly when he likes or dislikes someone, but it is always based on whether or not he thinks they are mean. And he is usually spot on.
So today when he made an offhand comment about one of the mamas liking Legos, I almost cried because there lives no hate in him at this point, and he is not unique. Lots of kiddos in lots of communities are being raised in similar situations, surrounded by diversity. He does not attend school, we do that at home, so I am not sure if that has something to do with it. I know that it does not take long for ugliness about differences to rear up in the school setting, but I know that we are raising a generation of children who do have the potential within them to change the way that this country works.
We have to cash in on this potential as the loving adults in their lives. Because I know that the heartbreaking day will come when he will be stripped of the innocence that he currently has toward people. He will meet evil, and hatred, and I know that time is coming sooner than I'd like. So I am gently beginning the process in school this year of talking to him about the injustices that exist. It is a hard balance to strike. Because I want him to live in a bubble where everyone is equal, and everyone is accepted, and no one gets hurt. But that is not fair to him, or to the world I want for him and his peers to change.
Caring adults NOW need to start having hard conversations about the roots of injustice, and acknowledging that injustice exists. I feel that I grew up in a world post civil rights movement, when the leaders and adults were tired of fighting, felt that things were good, and taught me just not to judge people and that would make everything okay. I am learning painfully that those types of assumptions might have been the easiest way, but not the best way. So as a forty year old lady, I am questioning everything, and trying to engage others in those discussions. And there is a LOT of resistance to that. But I will not raise my son in a world that tells him that ignoring differences, and the systems that enforce cruelty and injustice is okay. I am committed to finding a way to teach him the important and ugly parts of our history, to teach him that even though he personally does not hate other people it does not mean that hate does not happen and I really hope to teach him to listen compassionately and to think critically. I always describe myself as a collector of other people's stories, and I hope to pass them on to him. So that he can move into his adulthood with eyes open, so that he will question "authority", and so that he will use whatever power and privilege he has to continue to crush oppression and the systems that support it.
Here is why. At the age of seven, little genuinely does not define people by lifestyle choice, skin color, economic standing, manner of dress, food preference, religion or whatever other thing that we, much less enlightened adults, tend to use to "other". I cannot begin to explain to you how much this amazes me. I am in wonder of him a lot of the time. I could take all of the credit I suppose, what a fine child I am raising and all of that. But it goes beyond that. He is by nature kind and tender, and while I nurture and guide that when I can, I certainly did not make him that way. It is his personality. I am amazed because my family has people in our lives who are diverse and colorful and outspoken and accepting. They love my son and he loves them back. And he does not question any of these differences at this point in his life, because thus far, he has not encountered anyone who has taught him otherwise.
We are your average "All-American" family. Mama, Daddy, too many pets, homeowners in a quiet neighborhood, middle class (whatever that means anymore), and white. But the spouse and I got married in our late 20's and had little in our early 30's and between the two of us brought to this family a number of awesome folks. So by the time little has been old enough to be aware of the folks around him, he has seen some diversity. Surely, never enough, but enough that seeing someone different from him does not feel all that different to him.
He considers all who cross his path to be his friend, no matter their age (which this mama monitors closely, because well, you know) and even age does not seem to be a barrier in his mind. So seeing other littles with same sex parents, or single parents or parents who look like his is cool. He still points someone out of the crowd based on the color of their shirt and not on the color of their skin. Our neighbors down the street, a gay white couple with two adopted Black sons is a non-issue for him, or he keeps a whole lot of questions and comments to himself. Our friend who identifies as gender fluid did confuse him a bit not too long ago, but not for any other reason than that little had never seen him with make-up on. So when he saw a photo on facebook and asked "who is that", he did show some surprise by my answer. However, not because he is of the opinion that "boys" cannot wear make-up, but because he could not believe it was the same person. So he shrugged, said "he looks different" and moved along with his day.
Little eats the world. As long as you have some understanding of the world of Star Wars, an appreciation for Legos, or a willingness to let him explain those things to you, than he accepts you as you present yourself. He tells me quickly when he likes or dislikes someone, but it is always based on whether or not he thinks they are mean. And he is usually spot on.
So today when he made an offhand comment about one of the mamas liking Legos, I almost cried because there lives no hate in him at this point, and he is not unique. Lots of kiddos in lots of communities are being raised in similar situations, surrounded by diversity. He does not attend school, we do that at home, so I am not sure if that has something to do with it. I know that it does not take long for ugliness about differences to rear up in the school setting, but I know that we are raising a generation of children who do have the potential within them to change the way that this country works.
We have to cash in on this potential as the loving adults in their lives. Because I know that the heartbreaking day will come when he will be stripped of the innocence that he currently has toward people. He will meet evil, and hatred, and I know that time is coming sooner than I'd like. So I am gently beginning the process in school this year of talking to him about the injustices that exist. It is a hard balance to strike. Because I want him to live in a bubble where everyone is equal, and everyone is accepted, and no one gets hurt. But that is not fair to him, or to the world I want for him and his peers to change.
Caring adults NOW need to start having hard conversations about the roots of injustice, and acknowledging that injustice exists. I feel that I grew up in a world post civil rights movement, when the leaders and adults were tired of fighting, felt that things were good, and taught me just not to judge people and that would make everything okay. I am learning painfully that those types of assumptions might have been the easiest way, but not the best way. So as a forty year old lady, I am questioning everything, and trying to engage others in those discussions. And there is a LOT of resistance to that. But I will not raise my son in a world that tells him that ignoring differences, and the systems that enforce cruelty and injustice is okay. I am committed to finding a way to teach him the important and ugly parts of our history, to teach him that even though he personally does not hate other people it does not mean that hate does not happen and I really hope to teach him to listen compassionately and to think critically. I always describe myself as a collector of other people's stories, and I hope to pass them on to him. So that he can move into his adulthood with eyes open, so that he will question "authority", and so that he will use whatever power and privilege he has to continue to crush oppression and the systems that support it.
Monday, September 1, 2014
My Apologies
I need to offer an apology of sorts. This has been an emotional time for me, and I have reacted before thinking in a lot of instances. In doing so, I have possibly alienated a number of folks without the intention of doing so. Lack of intention does not mean that I am not accountable for that. My anger and frustration have overshadowed my ability to think rationally. Sometimes this is a good tool and sometimes it is not.
So I am sorry to all of you who I have been short with, or frustrated with. I am sorry for not understanding that we all come to realizations in our own time. My timeline is not your timeline. In the past couple of days I have tried to take a step back and find center again. I am not totally there. I am still super pissed, but much of my anger stems from the powerlessness I feel in changing ingrained ideas in myself and in most of the folks I know.
So I am trying to slow down. I am going to try to be more patient, and to find a voice that is better able to be heard by more folks. I have done a lot of listening of my own during this time, and it has gotten through to me that there is little that I am thinking or saying that has not already been thought or said. The problem is that these voices I am listening to are not being heard by the people who need to hear them.
There have been discussions among some of my closer friends that sometimes to get your message heard, you have to find five or more ways of saying it. I try to keep that in mind. I have thought that I could impart some sort of divine wisdom on people in just one way, and that they should wake up and say, Yes Cathy I totally see what you are saying.
Systematized oppression has been hundreds of years in the making. It affects people in marginalized groups in a very real way, an excruciatingly painful way, and they are tired of trying to explain to the rest of us what that feels like. They are in many instances preaching to the choir. And the people who need to hear the message are not being exposed to it.
So here is what I have come up with. My voice does not need to be heard. I have had plenty of opportunities to talk, and I cannot tell the story any better than those who are living it. So in the next few days when I am posting about race issues, for the most part I am going to try to let others do the talking, and I may try to present it in a way that my people can understand. Because what I think our biggest problem is is that we just do not know how to listen to each other without feeling the need to be right.
Now, if you accept this apology, I ask you to keep an eye on what you will see here because I have done a lot of work, research and reading to try to get some important voices out there. These are not famous voices in most cases, but their messages are to my mind vitally important and if we ignore them, we are doing ourselves a disservice.
So I am sorry to all of you who I have been short with, or frustrated with. I am sorry for not understanding that we all come to realizations in our own time. My timeline is not your timeline. In the past couple of days I have tried to take a step back and find center again. I am not totally there. I am still super pissed, but much of my anger stems from the powerlessness I feel in changing ingrained ideas in myself and in most of the folks I know.
So I am trying to slow down. I am going to try to be more patient, and to find a voice that is better able to be heard by more folks. I have done a lot of listening of my own during this time, and it has gotten through to me that there is little that I am thinking or saying that has not already been thought or said. The problem is that these voices I am listening to are not being heard by the people who need to hear them.
There have been discussions among some of my closer friends that sometimes to get your message heard, you have to find five or more ways of saying it. I try to keep that in mind. I have thought that I could impart some sort of divine wisdom on people in just one way, and that they should wake up and say, Yes Cathy I totally see what you are saying.
Systematized oppression has been hundreds of years in the making. It affects people in marginalized groups in a very real way, an excruciatingly painful way, and they are tired of trying to explain to the rest of us what that feels like. They are in many instances preaching to the choir. And the people who need to hear the message are not being exposed to it.
So here is what I have come up with. My voice does not need to be heard. I have had plenty of opportunities to talk, and I cannot tell the story any better than those who are living it. So in the next few days when I am posting about race issues, for the most part I am going to try to let others do the talking, and I may try to present it in a way that my people can understand. Because what I think our biggest problem is is that we just do not know how to listen to each other without feeling the need to be right.
Now, if you accept this apology, I ask you to keep an eye on what you will see here because I have done a lot of work, research and reading to try to get some important voices out there. These are not famous voices in most cases, but their messages are to my mind vitally important and if we ignore them, we are doing ourselves a disservice.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
It's So Hard to Watch Activism Get Lost in the Weeds
Anyone who knows me knows that I care about a lot of different things and that I follow a lot of different causes and that I work hard to fight oppression in whatever ways I can. In doing so, I am watching some trends and repeated failures that seem so easy to overcome if we just worked a little harder to put aside differences, and to find our common ground. Some of us are never going to be able to do this, I get it and I love you anyway, but from an often outside observer, I do not think that you all see how close you are to working towards the same goal, but forgetting the bigger due to small arguments and perceived transgressions.
It feels to me anymore that if I want to work toward ending any type of oppression, I have to hand in my own list of experiences and ways that I "deserve" to be a part of the process. I am tired of saying to a group or a leader, I am here, I have energy and talents, I have access to power structures that (fair or unfair) you may not have...USE ME, only to be told that I am too straight or too Caucasian, or too financially comfortable to really be helpful. Or maybe I am too radical or not radical enough, or I mess up and use the wrong language, and it goes on and on and on.
My suspicion is that I am probably not the only person out there feeling this way, and it amounts to a ton of lost resources. It is as if we have lost the ability to identify that there is a root cause to the problems that we are all talking about and wanting to change. I taught my little about pulling weeds this summer, he found it easier of course to just break the weed off at ground level and to be done with it. And if you are a gardener, you know that this can be tempting. I mean, at least for a short time we do not see the problem. However, with any experience we also know that although the roots of weeds are stubborn and deep, if we do not get them out of there, the weed will come back in less than a week. Sometimes those weeds are prickly and painful to deal with, but if I want to harvest healthy vegetables in a few months, I have to make sure that obstacles to their growth are out of the way.
As I was putting together all of my swirling thoughts about this issue, I was reminded of my scientifically groundbreaking fifth grade science fair project. I built a maze box, and at the end I put a reward and then plopped a mouse in the other end and watched what happened. I timed them, and changed the game now and again to see how they would react, and it sort of seems like that is what is going on with all of the groups that are fighting against powerful ingrained systems that make us feel weak and oppressed. There are people in power in this world, and if we are honest with ourselves there are not a whole lot of them. They have the wealth and the privilege and the authority and the weapons and the cruelty that keep all of these other groups of people down. And I think that they learned long ago to put us in the maze individually, and if we ever get close to the goal, they change the game. The unfortunate thing is that we keep behaving in ways that probably amuse them and empower them even more.
Maybe what we need to do is agree to enter the maze together. Some of us might have a good sense of smell so we know where the cheese is, but our sense of direction sucks so we do not know how to get there. Maybe some of us have great leaping abilities and can not be stopped by walls, while others keep bumping into the same obstacle over and over again. I think that what we really need to remember is that none of us wins entirely if we do not all eventually get to the goal. It does not feel good to me at least to enjoy a reward or privilege if I know that there are still folks in the maze that cannot find their way. I want them to succeed too.
Dichotomies seem to be the biggest problem that I am seeing us face. It is all male vs. female, people of color vs. white, gay vs. straight, left vs. right, rich vs. poor, able vs. disabled, old vs. young and so on. And the really painful thing to see is that within each of those dichotomies we further break down the positions of privilege and power. Most of the active movements that I see are so narrowly focused on one little branch of the problem that they refuse to dig out the root. I am not going to even try to list these types of issues, because they are strong in their multitudes. We just need to wake up to the strings on our backs, and realize that none of the rest of us are pulling them. It is really at its root in my opinion power and authority vs. absolute powerlessness. We can fool ourselves into the seductive temptation of grabbing for little bits of power and privilege because at least it's something, right? But until we are willing to accept that having little nibbles of the cheese is not acceptable when what we really need for the whole community is ALL of the cheese.
Sometimes this all happens for obviously selfish reasons like monetary gain, or notoriety, or even that pervasive need to just be right. But it also happens for lots of smaller unnamed reasons. It is easy as activists to think in lofty platitudes of selflessly working for the greater good. None of us is ever being selfless in what we are doing. Each and every one of us is gaining in some way through what we are doing or we just would not do it. It's okay to own selfishness and is delusional not to. For myself, it just makes me feel good on the most basic level, and on a deeper level, I do recognize that I have privileges that I did nothing to deserve and it serves my needs to pay something back to people who do not have those same privileges. In real reflection though, the most selfish thing about my actions is this overwhelming feeling I have that I need to pave the way to make things better for the little. He is white, but he may grow to love a person of color and perhaps my actions today will benefit my future grandchildren. He has not indicated to me one way or another at this point to what his sexual or gender orientation might be, but when he does, I want to make sure that his rights will be protected. He may grow up to make choices that are destructive or dangerous and I want to make sure that by the time that would happen, there is not such corruption in law enforcement that his white skin no longer protects him. It also serves me to serve others because it is the best way I know to show him what our family's values are, and to develop those values in him. Mostly, I just want to be the kind of person that he already thinks I am.
A little more self-reflection of that nature would go a long way. But no self-reflection is any damn good if we do not do something with it. A little less talking and a little more listening would be a good place to start. I was so overwhelmed with emotions watching things unfold in Ferguson that I did not know what to do with those feelings, and I ran into dealing with white people who either had no clue or actively wanted to avoid the topic to dealing with a host of other folks telling me that I did not have the proper credentials to care. And that spiraled me into even more anger and frustration and I am human, and I lashed out in a lot of ways. But I really have been trying to put that in check. I took a step back, and tried to listen to the pain and lived experience of the all to often "frightening other". This did not diminish my own pain, and rage, and confusion, it actually clarified a lot of things for me. I learned so much that I did not know before. And it was all because I listened, was brave enough to ask questions, and shared my own frustrations with people who look and speak and act differently than I do. It has tempered some of my anger, and increased some of my anger. But it has offered a bit of clarity about what is really going on.
My final analogy has to do with the last time that I worked at the local soup kitchen. While the group of folks I was working with could have debated about the nutrition content, or the organic nature of, or the sourcing of the food we were serving or how it should be cooked and who should do it, in that moment of urgency of needing to produce for lines of people who just really needed to not be hungry, we worked together and fed all of them. All of those other arguments became so trivial, because a mama with a baby crying from the pain of an empty belly does not care where the tomato came from or how it was raised. Her need to resolve a crisis overcame our need to always intellectualize and tear everything down to its least common denominator. It is a well worn bit of philosophy, but one that bears repeating, the whole is in fact greater than the sum of its parts.
So please fellow activists and people who give a damn, can we please gaze together at the bigger picture and see it for the mosaic that it is. We can all fight for our favorite issue in concert with others fighting for theirs and if we combine resources and stop replicating and re-creating a wheel that has already been working, we really can accomplish phenomenal things. And we need to bring the people living the pain into the conversation. We are often complicit in making things so much worse for them. Because we make promises and show them that they deserve more and that we are going to help them get there. But when energy flags, and things get complicated or ugly, or we do not think that they are accepting our help in the right way, we throw up our hands and move on to the next more attractive project, and that is a tragedy.
If you have managed to read this far, and I appreciate it if you did, please dialogue with me about your thoughts, your fears, your needs, your experiences. Access each other and lift each other up. I would like to humbly repeat to you what I said before, and realize that I mean it with sincerity that you cannot begin to imagine... I am here, I have energy and talents, I have access to power structures that (fair or unfair) you may not have...USE ME.
Love and light my friends.
It feels to me anymore that if I want to work toward ending any type of oppression, I have to hand in my own list of experiences and ways that I "deserve" to be a part of the process. I am tired of saying to a group or a leader, I am here, I have energy and talents, I have access to power structures that (fair or unfair) you may not have...USE ME, only to be told that I am too straight or too Caucasian, or too financially comfortable to really be helpful. Or maybe I am too radical or not radical enough, or I mess up and use the wrong language, and it goes on and on and on.
My suspicion is that I am probably not the only person out there feeling this way, and it amounts to a ton of lost resources. It is as if we have lost the ability to identify that there is a root cause to the problems that we are all talking about and wanting to change. I taught my little about pulling weeds this summer, he found it easier of course to just break the weed off at ground level and to be done with it. And if you are a gardener, you know that this can be tempting. I mean, at least for a short time we do not see the problem. However, with any experience we also know that although the roots of weeds are stubborn and deep, if we do not get them out of there, the weed will come back in less than a week. Sometimes those weeds are prickly and painful to deal with, but if I want to harvest healthy vegetables in a few months, I have to make sure that obstacles to their growth are out of the way.
As I was putting together all of my swirling thoughts about this issue, I was reminded of my scientifically groundbreaking fifth grade science fair project. I built a maze box, and at the end I put a reward and then plopped a mouse in the other end and watched what happened. I timed them, and changed the game now and again to see how they would react, and it sort of seems like that is what is going on with all of the groups that are fighting against powerful ingrained systems that make us feel weak and oppressed. There are people in power in this world, and if we are honest with ourselves there are not a whole lot of them. They have the wealth and the privilege and the authority and the weapons and the cruelty that keep all of these other groups of people down. And I think that they learned long ago to put us in the maze individually, and if we ever get close to the goal, they change the game. The unfortunate thing is that we keep behaving in ways that probably amuse them and empower them even more.
Maybe what we need to do is agree to enter the maze together. Some of us might have a good sense of smell so we know where the cheese is, but our sense of direction sucks so we do not know how to get there. Maybe some of us have great leaping abilities and can not be stopped by walls, while others keep bumping into the same obstacle over and over again. I think that what we really need to remember is that none of us wins entirely if we do not all eventually get to the goal. It does not feel good to me at least to enjoy a reward or privilege if I know that there are still folks in the maze that cannot find their way. I want them to succeed too.
Dichotomies seem to be the biggest problem that I am seeing us face. It is all male vs. female, people of color vs. white, gay vs. straight, left vs. right, rich vs. poor, able vs. disabled, old vs. young and so on. And the really painful thing to see is that within each of those dichotomies we further break down the positions of privilege and power. Most of the active movements that I see are so narrowly focused on one little branch of the problem that they refuse to dig out the root. I am not going to even try to list these types of issues, because they are strong in their multitudes. We just need to wake up to the strings on our backs, and realize that none of the rest of us are pulling them. It is really at its root in my opinion power and authority vs. absolute powerlessness. We can fool ourselves into the seductive temptation of grabbing for little bits of power and privilege because at least it's something, right? But until we are willing to accept that having little nibbles of the cheese is not acceptable when what we really need for the whole community is ALL of the cheese.
Sometimes this all happens for obviously selfish reasons like monetary gain, or notoriety, or even that pervasive need to just be right. But it also happens for lots of smaller unnamed reasons. It is easy as activists to think in lofty platitudes of selflessly working for the greater good. None of us is ever being selfless in what we are doing. Each and every one of us is gaining in some way through what we are doing or we just would not do it. It's okay to own selfishness and is delusional not to. For myself, it just makes me feel good on the most basic level, and on a deeper level, I do recognize that I have privileges that I did nothing to deserve and it serves my needs to pay something back to people who do not have those same privileges. In real reflection though, the most selfish thing about my actions is this overwhelming feeling I have that I need to pave the way to make things better for the little. He is white, but he may grow to love a person of color and perhaps my actions today will benefit my future grandchildren. He has not indicated to me one way or another at this point to what his sexual or gender orientation might be, but when he does, I want to make sure that his rights will be protected. He may grow up to make choices that are destructive or dangerous and I want to make sure that by the time that would happen, there is not such corruption in law enforcement that his white skin no longer protects him. It also serves me to serve others because it is the best way I know to show him what our family's values are, and to develop those values in him. Mostly, I just want to be the kind of person that he already thinks I am.
A little more self-reflection of that nature would go a long way. But no self-reflection is any damn good if we do not do something with it. A little less talking and a little more listening would be a good place to start. I was so overwhelmed with emotions watching things unfold in Ferguson that I did not know what to do with those feelings, and I ran into dealing with white people who either had no clue or actively wanted to avoid the topic to dealing with a host of other folks telling me that I did not have the proper credentials to care. And that spiraled me into even more anger and frustration and I am human, and I lashed out in a lot of ways. But I really have been trying to put that in check. I took a step back, and tried to listen to the pain and lived experience of the all to often "frightening other". This did not diminish my own pain, and rage, and confusion, it actually clarified a lot of things for me. I learned so much that I did not know before. And it was all because I listened, was brave enough to ask questions, and shared my own frustrations with people who look and speak and act differently than I do. It has tempered some of my anger, and increased some of my anger. But it has offered a bit of clarity about what is really going on.
My final analogy has to do with the last time that I worked at the local soup kitchen. While the group of folks I was working with could have debated about the nutrition content, or the organic nature of, or the sourcing of the food we were serving or how it should be cooked and who should do it, in that moment of urgency of needing to produce for lines of people who just really needed to not be hungry, we worked together and fed all of them. All of those other arguments became so trivial, because a mama with a baby crying from the pain of an empty belly does not care where the tomato came from or how it was raised. Her need to resolve a crisis overcame our need to always intellectualize and tear everything down to its least common denominator. It is a well worn bit of philosophy, but one that bears repeating, the whole is in fact greater than the sum of its parts.
So please fellow activists and people who give a damn, can we please gaze together at the bigger picture and see it for the mosaic that it is. We can all fight for our favorite issue in concert with others fighting for theirs and if we combine resources and stop replicating and re-creating a wheel that has already been working, we really can accomplish phenomenal things. And we need to bring the people living the pain into the conversation. We are often complicit in making things so much worse for them. Because we make promises and show them that they deserve more and that we are going to help them get there. But when energy flags, and things get complicated or ugly, or we do not think that they are accepting our help in the right way, we throw up our hands and move on to the next more attractive project, and that is a tragedy.
If you have managed to read this far, and I appreciate it if you did, please dialogue with me about your thoughts, your fears, your needs, your experiences. Access each other and lift each other up. I would like to humbly repeat to you what I said before, and realize that I mean it with sincerity that you cannot begin to imagine... I am here, I have energy and talents, I have access to power structures that (fair or unfair) you may not have...USE ME.
Love and light my friends.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
White Privilege is Not About Guilt
I do not feel guilty about my whiteness. I am not a self-hating white girl. However, in the past 10 days, I have been told this time and again. I have been following the story of Mike Brown for eight days. Only eight days because until Sunday, there was not a lot of coverage about the shooting of this young man. Even at that time, a majority of the reports were coming from independent reporters and citizens on the ground in Ferguson, Missouri.
It is not the first time that I have been questioned for my mentions of the term "white privilege". It seems from my experience that my being white and acknowledging that I benefit from this in this country makes other white folks uncomfortable, angry and all about retaliation. People seem to think that their comments and anger are going to intimidate or silence me.
However, I do not think that I even really understood the term until the past week. What has opened my eyes? A little research, a little listening, and a little reflection. I have never in my life considered myself to be a racist, and I still do not. But that does not change the fact that I have certain "unalienable rights" that other people in America do not enjoy. And it is time for us all to acknowledge this. Until we do, things in this country are not going to change.
So what does white privilege mean in my world?
-It means that not one time in my life have I been pulled over, frisked, or shot at based solely on the way I look.
-It means that during the three demonstrations I have participated in this year, it never worried me that I would be gassed, hit by a beanbag or rubber bullet, or beaten with a baton.
-It means that I can wear a hooded sweatshirt on the street after dark without being killed by one of my neighbors.
-It means that I can get credit, rent an apartment or get a job without worrying that my name is going to make an impact.
- It means that I am not questioned about my hairstyle or the way I wear my clothing
-It means that I can believe in the American Dream. I never have to question whether hard work and a good education will lead to some level of prosperity.
-It means that at no time when I was growing up was there a question about whether or not I would go to college. It was expected.
-It means that I can question those in positions of power without fearing for my life.
-It means that if my son is shot and killed under questionable circumstances, he will first be seen as a victim and not a thug even if he has a criminal record.
I could go on and on with this list, but I should not have to. Every white person could come up with their own list if they wanted to be honest. I have watched social media critically in the past week and I have taken the time to record some of the disturbing comments under the #ferguson hashtag. Trust me when I tell you that these are a very small sampling of what I have seen.
It is not the first time that I have been questioned for my mentions of the term "white privilege". It seems from my experience that my being white and acknowledging that I benefit from this in this country makes other white folks uncomfortable, angry and all about retaliation. People seem to think that their comments and anger are going to intimidate or silence me.
However, I do not think that I even really understood the term until the past week. What has opened my eyes? A little research, a little listening, and a little reflection. I have never in my life considered myself to be a racist, and I still do not. But that does not change the fact that I have certain "unalienable rights" that other people in America do not enjoy. And it is time for us all to acknowledge this. Until we do, things in this country are not going to change.
So what does white privilege mean in my world?
-It means that not one time in my life have I been pulled over, frisked, or shot at based solely on the way I look.
-It means that during the three demonstrations I have participated in this year, it never worried me that I would be gassed, hit by a beanbag or rubber bullet, or beaten with a baton.
-It means that I can wear a hooded sweatshirt on the street after dark without being killed by one of my neighbors.
-It means that I can get credit, rent an apartment or get a job without worrying that my name is going to make an impact.
- It means that I am not questioned about my hairstyle or the way I wear my clothing
-It means that I can believe in the American Dream. I never have to question whether hard work and a good education will lead to some level of prosperity.
-It means that at no time when I was growing up was there a question about whether or not I would go to college. It was expected.
-It means that I can question those in positions of power without fearing for my life.
-It means that if my son is shot and killed under questionable circumstances, he will first be seen as a victim and not a thug even if he has a criminal record.
I could go on and on with this list, but I should not have to. Every white person could come up with their own list if they wanted to be honest. I have watched social media critically in the past week and I have taken the time to record some of the disturbing comments under the #ferguson hashtag. Trust me when I tell you that these are a very small sampling of what I have seen.
The only thing keeping black society from killing itself is white police officers. You Niggers in #Ferguson should be thankful.
We whites are showing you blacks how powerless you really are. We had to remind y'all once again & there's nothing y'all can do #Ferguson
Wonder how long the Niggers in #Ferguson would last if the white police let them alone? Criminals like #MikeBrown need white discipline
ok "protestors" time to go home and get to bed. You all have work tomorrow. Right? O wait. I almost forgot. You bums don't work.
Rodney king was a junky on pcp resisting arrest and driving 120 mph. He deserved it just like the shit in #ferguson was deserved
Every 2 bit ghetto philosopher claims #Ferguson is the start of something. Eh, wait till they run out of crack! Nighty night.
They're looting the liquor stores and hair salons? No surprises there. I bet the libraries are safe tho.
If Darren Wilson was racist why did it take him 6 years to kill a black man?
Those are blatant right? The more subtle arguments are still about the race problem that exists in America. A popular one is the response from a lot of white folks bringing up black on black crime. Or some folks point out that Mike Brown robbed a store prior to the shooting. My favorite is the outcry that ignores the original fact and focuses on the looting that has happened out of anger and frustration about the state of things. A majority of the comments made by black folks on this situation are being attacked by white folks who think that they can silence those speaking out.
There have been four unarmed black men killed by police in the past month. That is a fact. One of them was selling cigarettes illegally, one of them was carrying a BB gun in a Wal-mart, and one of them robbed a store and allegedly resisted arrest. If any of these men had been given a chance to go to trial for their alleged crimes, would they have received the death penalty? Certainly not.
So what does all of this mean? It means that even though we ignore the problems, they still exist. If you have not already, I suggest that you do your own research about police officers killing black people. In a search of Google with the term "unarmed whites killed by police", I did not find one example after 10 pages of results. And it goes beyond Ferguson, or LA, or New York City. Segregation is still a fact, substandard inner city education is still a fact, the disproportionate number of black people in prison for non-violent crimes is still a fact. We can bury our heads in the sand, or we can be allies and do something. Because another part of having white privilege is that our voices generally matter more to policy makers, and those in authority. Speak up, stand up and listen to the people who are living with these realities. Saying that it does not happen, does not change the lived experience of oppressed people.
---Please note that comments on this blog are moderated, so if all you want to do is post inflammatory responses, they are not likely to be published. Move along.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Pro-life vs. Pro-birth
I believe it is safe to say that I am irritated this week by a lot of things surrounding the notorious Hobby Lobby Supreme Court Ruling. I am irritated for at least ten reasons, but for the purposes of this particular posting I am only going to address the simple, glaring and most uninformed and misunderstood problem with this decision. Yelling from the rooftops that this is a pro-life victory is a myth. This may be a pro-birth victory, and it is certainly a victory toward further controlling and making life more difficult for women, but it is anti-child, anti-family and certainly has nothing to do with being pro-life.
I truly believe that there are people who call themselves pro-life who really are just that. They are convicted to the belief that life starts with conception, and they are concerned not just with forcing a woman to carry through with a pregnancy under any and all circumstances, but also are concerned with what happens to that child while in utero and beyond. However, they are a very small minority from everything that I can ascertain. I do not call myself pro-life but am quite sure that I am more pro-life than some of that movements loudest voices. Why? Because I am more concerned with what actually happens in a child's life while they are developing in the womb and in the years following their birth.
I have worked in social work for 15 years, I have lots of years of training and education and I have worked with lots of kids who have probably been victims of blind devotion to pro-birth stances. How do I define the pro-birth folks? Mostly, I see them as the folks who only care about winning the battle of keeping contraceptive devices out of the hands of the women who need and want them under some deluded idea that it kills babies. An egg and sperm meeting up may or may not be a baby. Not going to argue that here. Not really important to this opinion. After fertilization a whole bunch of things have to go right in order for a woman to get pregnant. Many times that does not happen.
What pro-birth folks then do is turn their backs in every other way to the needs of women and children. Fertilized egg=baby and abortion is wrong. They fight against every form of birth control that they see as even close to being abortion whether they understand the process or not. In many cases they are the same people who believe welfare needs reform, food stamps and WIC should be cut, and so forth. They chant and hold signs that shame women and tell women that there are plenty of people who want to adopt. This is also a myth.
Lots of people want to adopt healthy, strong, white, non-drug addicted, under the age of one babies but the bottom line is that those are like the elusive Chupacabra. What pro-birthers have managed to do is increase the number of kids who are languishing in the system because their mothers did not have access to contraception, went through with pregnancies they did not want/could not handle, and raised kids for a year or two in situations of abuse, neglect, and horror that no child should have to endure. This translates to kids who become undesirable through no fault of their own because they are born malnourished, premature, with drug or alcohol addiction or behavior difficulties that no one really wants to deal with. They then get put in foster homes who cannot handle them and just shuffle them to the next home which does even further damage. Ten years down the road you may have a kid who has never been in a loving home, who is so damaged that they may never really be able to recover, and those pro-birthers are nowhere to be found.
Is it a problem with our society? Most definitely. Is it a problem of poverty? Sure. But it is also a problem that goes far beyond that. Rich white women have unwanted pregnancies too. Those kids may suffer but the problems might look different. Who do we blame? And does it really matter? No. It does not matter. The bottom line is that cheap and easy access to contraception is the best way to address this in the immediate future. Are there kids who overcome even all of these obstacles? Sure. But the overwhelming majority are left to suffer, and even the resilient ones who the pro-birthers rally behind as examples of why abortion is wrong suffered for years as powerless children at some point.
So, if you are truly pro-life, more power to you. But do not ever think that I am fooled by the rhetoric. I can see the hypocrisy a mile away. Pro-birthers also tend to think that marriage equality is wrong and that same sex couples cannot be good parents. However, same sex couples are often the ones taking in these languishing kids because no one else will. We travel overseas to adopt kids from other countries while ignoring the babies in our own who need homes and love more than ever. And for good measure, many pro-birthers are so fundamental in their beliefs that they also want to tell women how and when to feed those babies that they want them to have under any and all circumstances.
It is ludicrous, and I am over it.
I truly believe that there are people who call themselves pro-life who really are just that. They are convicted to the belief that life starts with conception, and they are concerned not just with forcing a woman to carry through with a pregnancy under any and all circumstances, but also are concerned with what happens to that child while in utero and beyond. However, they are a very small minority from everything that I can ascertain. I do not call myself pro-life but am quite sure that I am more pro-life than some of that movements loudest voices. Why? Because I am more concerned with what actually happens in a child's life while they are developing in the womb and in the years following their birth.
I have worked in social work for 15 years, I have lots of years of training and education and I have worked with lots of kids who have probably been victims of blind devotion to pro-birth stances. How do I define the pro-birth folks? Mostly, I see them as the folks who only care about winning the battle of keeping contraceptive devices out of the hands of the women who need and want them under some deluded idea that it kills babies. An egg and sperm meeting up may or may not be a baby. Not going to argue that here. Not really important to this opinion. After fertilization a whole bunch of things have to go right in order for a woman to get pregnant. Many times that does not happen.
What pro-birth folks then do is turn their backs in every other way to the needs of women and children. Fertilized egg=baby and abortion is wrong. They fight against every form of birth control that they see as even close to being abortion whether they understand the process or not. In many cases they are the same people who believe welfare needs reform, food stamps and WIC should be cut, and so forth. They chant and hold signs that shame women and tell women that there are plenty of people who want to adopt. This is also a myth.
Lots of people want to adopt healthy, strong, white, non-drug addicted, under the age of one babies but the bottom line is that those are like the elusive Chupacabra. What pro-birthers have managed to do is increase the number of kids who are languishing in the system because their mothers did not have access to contraception, went through with pregnancies they did not want/could not handle, and raised kids for a year or two in situations of abuse, neglect, and horror that no child should have to endure. This translates to kids who become undesirable through no fault of their own because they are born malnourished, premature, with drug or alcohol addiction or behavior difficulties that no one really wants to deal with. They then get put in foster homes who cannot handle them and just shuffle them to the next home which does even further damage. Ten years down the road you may have a kid who has never been in a loving home, who is so damaged that they may never really be able to recover, and those pro-birthers are nowhere to be found.
Is it a problem with our society? Most definitely. Is it a problem of poverty? Sure. But it is also a problem that goes far beyond that. Rich white women have unwanted pregnancies too. Those kids may suffer but the problems might look different. Who do we blame? And does it really matter? No. It does not matter. The bottom line is that cheap and easy access to contraception is the best way to address this in the immediate future. Are there kids who overcome even all of these obstacles? Sure. But the overwhelming majority are left to suffer, and even the resilient ones who the pro-birthers rally behind as examples of why abortion is wrong suffered for years as powerless children at some point.
So, if you are truly pro-life, more power to you. But do not ever think that I am fooled by the rhetoric. I can see the hypocrisy a mile away. Pro-birthers also tend to think that marriage equality is wrong and that same sex couples cannot be good parents. However, same sex couples are often the ones taking in these languishing kids because no one else will. We travel overseas to adopt kids from other countries while ignoring the babies in our own who need homes and love more than ever. And for good measure, many pro-birthers are so fundamental in their beliefs that they also want to tell women how and when to feed those babies that they want them to have under any and all circumstances.
It is ludicrous, and I am over it.
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