I See You

People sometimes think I'm clueless, or imperceptive or maybe both, but here's the thing. I see you. I see you people who I have fought beside, spoken up for, liked, retweeted, and uplifted. I see you not returning the favor and it is exceptionally disappointing. I joke all of the time that I fight all of the things, and it is not far off.

The fighting ebbs and flows, because being outraged about everything all of the time is exhausting. This means that maybe I fight hard for one thing, or fight a little bit for a lot of things, and that keeps changing for me. I have never been as judged for what I am fighting for as I am right now. And I think that speaks volumes, not about me, but about you.

I don't believe that people should be oppressed. Period. And so when I see it I speak about it. I have been to rallies, signed petitions, engaged in boycotts and written useless letters to politicians on a range of issues including the rights of the poor, rights for lgbtq folks, rights for those with mental illness, women's rights, and victim's rights. Hell I've even thrown my hat in the ring for the environment and for animals. I belong to a religion that preaches the "inherent worth and dignity of every person", and I take that one seriously. I believe that everyone deserves basic human rights no matter what, ALWAYS.

Now I am engaged in an urgent fight. It is a fight for life and death. I always thought that I was anti-racism, but because of my white privilege, I never fully understood what that meant. And I still don't totally get it. I mess it up all of the time. But I am trying, and that is more than I can say for some of you fellow people who care about things.

My life has gone oddly silent in many circles since August 10th, when I first became aware of the tear-gassing of human beings on our own soil. I had no idea what was going on, and so I became hungry for the truth. And it is an ugly one. It is nauseating, rage-inducing, and absolutely unbelievable. That's the part people seem to get, but for different reasons. That it is unbelievable, because most of you don't believe it.

I'm a psychologist right, so human behavior fascinates me. And I am ashamed that I believed some of you to be genuine in your concern for human rights. Because if your fight stops when it comes to crying out for the rights of Black People, then please continue to pretend not to know me. I still remember my first timeline update on facebook when I tried to get people on board with my outrage at the maltreatment, murder, and terrorism of black people. And mostly what I got was silence. When it was not silence, it was covertly racist. But I see you.

I get asked why. Why do I care about this so much when it does not affect me? Seriously, do you hear yourselves? None of the above fights affect me other than the fact that I am a woman with mental illness. Otherwise, I have just fought because I cared about you and your cause, or because I just believe that oppression totally sucks.

A few of you are starting to talk to me again, but only because you perceive me to be more rational about this "whole messy issue". Nope, I am far from rational about it. It is just that I have found the appropriate people or groups of people to discuss these matters with. If I have not convinced you by now that institutional racism is a REAL, ACTUAL, THING, then it is never going to happen. I have to move my energy to people who feed me, to people who know how fucking hard this fighting thing is and to people who are not fair weather friends around activism. Make no mistake, I am still going to fight all oppression, I am just not going to fight alongside you any more. I have seen you at your worst, and it is disappointing.